Tiger Woods Ladies Tee Poor Harry Golf Balls Hit Man
  Tropical Island Ribbit Honey, can I play? New Wife Beer Troubleshooting
  Stevie Wonder Bogie Butt If I Die  Rare Chinese Disease Slow Play
  Lamaze Class Richard Wooded Ravine Wife Shot   What to do?
  Genie  Why Golf is better  The Golf Ball Bic Lighter  Gorilla
  Mike Malpractice 9 Coronas  African Golf  Am I Dead? 
  Before 6 beers Caddy Chat Octogenarian Golfer's Poem   


 Tiger Woods Top
  A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride said to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replied, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continued, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then made passionate love. When they finished, the husband got up and walked to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" said the wife.
The husband said, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband put down the phone and went back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finished, he got up and went over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She said.
The husband said, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slammed down the phone and went back to bed and made love to his wife one more time. When they finished he was tired and beat. He dragged himself over to the phone and started to dial.
The wife asked, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."


 Ladies Tee Top
  A golfer was addressing his ball on the first hole, getting ready to swing.
As he was about to hit, a voice came over the P.A. system,
"Will the gentleman on the ladie's tee please move back to the men's tee."
The golfer looked up and then resumed addressing the ball.
The voice again, "Will the Man on the Red tees please move back to the White tees!!"
The golfer looked back at the starter's shack and said,
"Will the man on the P.A. please shut the #&@% up, so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot!"


 Poor Harry Top
  Upon arriving home from a round of golf, Tom's wife says, "You look like hell, what happened?"
Tom replied, "Well, everything was going great until we got to the third tee. When Harry got up to hit his
tee shot, he collapsed with a heart attack."
"Why that's awful, but why do you look so tired?", the wife asked. As Tom sat down to rest his weary bones, he said, "Well for the rest of the round it was - hit and drag Harry.... hit and drag Harry.... "


 Golf Balls Top
  A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is everytime I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.  


 Hit Man Top
  There are three friends who go golfing every Saturday. One Saturday as they were about to tee off a stranger asked them if he could join them. The three friends said sure. After about four holes one of the friends asked the stranger what he did for a living. The stranger said he was a hitman. The three friends all laughed. The stranger said "no really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like". So one of the friends takes a look. Sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. The friend gets
all exited and says "wow"! I bet I can see my house through this scope. May I look? Sure the hitman replies.
The friend looks for a few seconds and says "yeah" You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? Wait! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too! This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger." The friend responds, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife. The hitman agrees. He sets up and looks through the scope. The hitman has been looking for about 5 minutes. Finally the friend gets really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for.
The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"


 Tropical Island Top
  A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He runs to greet her and tells her he hasn't seen another human in five years.
"Sounds like you could use a drink," she says as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a flask of 12 year old Scotch. "That's the best drink I've ever had!" he exclaims. "Would you like a smoke?" she asks as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar. "This must be the best cigar in the world!" he shouts as he blows smoke rings in the air. As she begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry smile, "Would you like to play around?" "Wow, you got golf clubs in there, too!??"


 Ribbit Top
  A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man
looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."


 Honey, can I play? Top
  Four married guys go to play golf. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she said, 'Make sure you wear your sweater.'"


 New Wife Top
  Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green. He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her. Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.
"No way," he says. "I can't do that."
"Why not?" she asks.
"The last time I did that something terrible happened."
"What?" she asked.
"I got a double bogey."


 Beer Troubleshooting Top
  This message is presented as a public service announcement.  
  SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.  
  FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.  
  ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.  
  SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.  
  FAULT: Improper bladder control.  
  ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.  
  SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.  
  FAULT: Glass empty.  
  ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.  
  SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.  
  FAULT: You have fallen over backward.  
  ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.  
  SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.  
  FAULT: You have fallen forward.  
  ACTION: See previous action.  
  SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.  
  FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.  
  ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.  
  SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.  
  FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.  
  ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.  
  SYMPTOM: Floor moving.  
  FAULT: You are being carried out.  
  ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  
  SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.  
  FAULT: Bar has closed.  
  ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.  
  SYMPTOM: Steering wheel suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.  
  FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.  
  ACTION: Cover mouth.  
  SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.  
  FAULT: You are dancing on the table.  
  ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.  
  SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.  
  FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.  
  ACTION: Punch the ignoramus.  
  SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.  
  FAULT: You have been in a fight.  
  ACTION: Apologize to everyone within sight, just in case it was them.  
  SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.  
  FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.  
  ACTION: See if they have free beer.  
  SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.  
  FAULT: The beer is too weak.  
  ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.  
  SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.  
  FAULT: Beer is just right.  
  ACTION: Play air guitar.  


 Stevie Wonder Top
  Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus met at a charity event. As one would expect the conversation turned to golf. As one would not expect Stevie indicated that he loved playing golf. Jack was intrigued.
"How do you play golf?", asked Jack.
"My caddie lines me up then he runs out into the fairway where he makes noise and I hit toward him."
"Ok, but what do you do on the green?"
"Pretty much the same thing except my caddie get down on his knees close to the hole and makes noise and I putt toward the noise."
"That's pretty amazing, I would love to play with you some time."
"That would be great. Except I must tell you that I take my golf very seriously and I always play for at least a $100,000 a hole."
At this point with people all around, Jack's ego wouldn't let him back out and he said, "You're on! When do you want to play?"
To which Stevie replied, "Oh, any night this week is good for me."


 Bogie Butt Top
  A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball..........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"  


 If I Die Top
  A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."


 Rare Chinese Disease Top
  A woman golfer was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Ok, now craw reery reery fass back to me."
So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary
Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."


 Slow Play Top
  Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
Monica Lewinski...OJ Simpson...Ted Kennedy...& Bill Clinton
Monica is a hooker... OJ is a slicer... Kennedy can't drive over water & Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.


 Lamaze Class Top
  During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that the husbands needed to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "While she walks, would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs?"  


 Richard Top
  Helen warned Richard as he left early for the club, "Don't be late home, we are due to leave for the Jones' party at six and we can't be late again." Well, Richard finished his game in plenty of time and was leisurely driving home when at the side of the road he saw a pretty young damsel in distress. Ever the gentleman, he stopped to see if he could help. She had a blown tire, which ultimately Richard was able to change. "Thank you so much," said the young lady, "but you got so dirty, would you care to come back to my apartment to clean up--I live just around the corner?" Richard checked the time. It was only 2:30 and he was rather filthy so he thanked her and accepted.
When he came out of the bathroom, the young lady, clad in "something more comfortable," offered Richard a glass of wine - "The least I can do," said she. One glass turned into another and finally the two ended up in bed! Richard woke with a start, checked his watch & was horrified to see it was 5:45. No way would he ever be home by six. When he finally arrived home some 30 minutes later, an irate Helen met him. Richard, who had never been unfaithful in his life, decided he could only confess and proceeded to tell his wife the entire story, start to inevitable finish. "YOU STINKING LIAR," yelled Helen, "YOU PLAYED ANOTHER 9 HOLES!!!"


 Wooded Ravine Top
  Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton. Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"


 Wife Shot Top
  A golfer stood over his approach shot into the 18th green for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. The delay is driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner says, "Why don't you hit the damn ball! What's taking so long?"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse porch. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner fires back, "Forget it, man. You'll never hit her from here!"


 What to do? Top
  Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver
lost control of his vehicle and it spun into a parking lot and bouncing off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt.
Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up and replied, "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my damned grip."


 Genie Top
  A dejected golfer was walking along the beach in solitude after losing all his bets that day, when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The golfer sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of
another wish."
The golfer said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...... know how they feel inside....... what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment .... know why they're crying...... know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ..... . know how to make them truly happy ......"
Then the genie interjected, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


 Why Golf is Better Than Sex Top
  1.   You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
2.   If you are having trouble with golf, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional golfer to       show you how to improve your technique.
3.   The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
4.   If your partner takes any pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry       about them showing up on the Internet if you later become famous.
5.   Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
6.   It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger you happen to meet at the golf course.
7.   You can put yourself through college on a golf scholarship and earn a varsity letter in golf.
8.   When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of       you golfing together.
9.   If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10. Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you golf by yourself.
11. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to worry if it's really an undercover cop.
12. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf equipment.
13. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite                      co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
14. There's no such thing as a GTD (golf transmitted disease).
15. If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable             channel.
16. Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life, then       give up the game if your partner loses interest in golfing.
17. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the purpose of golfing.
18. Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think       about?"


 The Golf Ball Top
  Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted.
"What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluourescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."


 Bic Lighter Top
  Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar. Not having a lighter, he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.
"Wow," said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," the genie said. So the friend asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million BUCKS...not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"


 Gorilla Top
  It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.

"Now, tell HIM, you have a headache!"


 Mike Top
  Mike and Bob were out playing golf. On the first hole, Mike hits his drive right into the water. He takes a brand new ball out of his bag, tees it up and proceeds to hit the second ball just like the first -- right into the water. Again Mike takes out a brand new ball and again the same result.
Bob looks at him and asks, "Why do you keep taking out brand new balls and hitting them into the water? Why don't you use an old ball?"
"I would," Mike replies, "But I've never had an old ball!"


 Malpractice Top
  A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"


 9 Coronas Top
  Click Here for 9 coronas. It will take a few minutes to download, but well worth it.  


 African Golf Top
  An avid golfer found himself in Africa with time to play. He asked at his hotel for the nearest golf course, was put in a cab and spent two hours being driven deeper and deeper into the jungle until he arrived at a course.
He checked in with the pro and asked to rent some equipment and, since he'd never played the course before, for a caddie. In a few minutes, he was escorted to the first tee, where his caddie was waiting with a bagful of clubs under one arm and a rifle under the other.
The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par four. As they were walking to his ball, a tiger sprang out of the rough and charged the golfer.
Without missing a beat, the caddie dropped the bag, aimed his rifle and shot the animal dead.
Again, the golfer had to compose himself, taking a minute to catch his breath. But he quickly recovered, hit a good approach and parred the hole.
The same thing happened on the second hole, a long, twisting par five. But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the golfer and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie's rifle.
By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappable - and obviously was a good shot - so they played on.
The third hole was an easy par three surrounded by water. The golfer hit a good short iron, which landed near the cup. As he was walking onto the green, a crocodile slid out of the water and began moving toward him.
Unfazed, the golfer looked to his caddie for help. But the caddie stood motionless. The crocodile moved closer, and the golfer, beginning to get upset, again glanced at the caddie, who didn't move.
Finally, with the crocodile just inches away, the golfer screamed, "Aren't you going to do something?"
The caddie looked at the scorecard and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you don't get a shot on this hole."


 Am I Dead? Top
  After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his position - and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke - he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him and instantly kills him.
When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him.
"Am I dead?" he asks.
"Yes, my son," replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs.
"I see you're a golfer," St. Peter says. "Are you any good?"
"Hey, I golt here in two, didn't I?"


Before 6 beers Top



 Caddy Chat Top
  Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"


Octogenarian Top
  An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with since everyone was already out on the course.
He insisted several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would spot him 12 strokes.
The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well.
The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming into the par four 18th they were all even.
The pro had a nice drive. His second shot was a beauty and left him an 8 foot putt for birdie.
The old man had a really long drive which came to rest in one of two greenside sand traps.
Playing from the sand trap he hit a lofted feathery sand wedge which landed on the green and rolled right into the cup!
The Assistant Pro walked over to where his opponent was still standing in the sand trap and said, " Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?".
Replied the octogenarian "I do. Can you please give me a hand."


 Golfer's Poem Top
  In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled , rather small.
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.

By it's size I could not guess,
The awesome strength it does possess.
But since I fell beneath it's spell,
I've wandered through the fires of hell.

My life has not been quite the same,
Since I chose to play this game.
It rules my mind for hours on end,
A fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me curse and cry,
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par,
If I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball,
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses,
And does exactly as it chooses.

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
Or disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim,
To hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land,
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul,
If only it would find the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up.
And take to drink to ease my sorrow,
But the ball knows...
I'll be back tomorrow!!